achey

inside and out. hate feeling all stiff from working out. hate feeling sad. these past few days have felt sad. sorting blake out, huge mis understanding. i did not behave well and had to go sit by myself yesterday and try to reach a form of forgiveness with myself. then blake gets really sick and i cant take care of him. yes, i know he is 19 and needs to take care of himself but still....
hope simon is feeling better. love is a tricky thing. we get stronger. i feel like a clod though.
buckling down and getting the work done, though. data entry is my game today. geez... no more spread sheets, ok?
shit - renee has had a c-section, but she and the baby are ok.
will see stoid and sus this weekend - already planning for friday night...
much prep to be done for lisbon. slogging through it. looked at property online in seattle. shit, we can live well up there for what we make now, really well...

easing aches

cramps/lower back pain slowly sliding away. dusk approaching. achingly beautiful music - something baroque. i remember england with simon last year. the air, our love and lovemaking.
laughing and playing. looking at things and planning the life we have now. its beautiful - even when we are struggling. two very independant people in a union of the heart and mind. fiercely needing to maintain our seperate identities, but fearing that we will betray the other - how far does one go and when does compromise become submission? He is an athiest - i will never try to convert him, but its a sharp edge. his truth hurts so much at times and i know mine is too sweet and blind where the ones i love are concerned.
we want to support and help one another, not cripple and enable.
i love this life, though.