what you do when you have no money

work. yes, i am doing plenty of that.
hydrate - we are almost always dehydrated.
make love. can always do more of that.
do yoga - yep, as soon as i am done with this post.
thanks to the internet, you can while away hours.
crochet - am doing that, along with other art projects.
garden - all with existing plants, mind you.
listen to music and make new playlists.
watch tv, although we dont do that.
go to every free thing there is to do here in LA and if you look there is plenty to do
read, read,read. want to do more of that.

meditate.
talk to simon, but he is usually working and writing.

i am going to stop taking this atenolol - it is making me really depressed. and fatigued.

thoughts on impermanence

i woke up thinking about nature, specifically the rain and the change of seaons. now this may seem terribly obvious to the rest of the world, but so be it. i love therain so much, especially here in CA, where it is rare. we are in the rainy season now and i just love it(when it is not being destructive - another post) and i think on how it is impossible to grasp and preserve the individual rain drops, especially in the act of rain. one has to accept and let it pass. observe and just be in that instant.. and then the next and the next.

the seasons are like that. Autumn is such a gift. as is spring and winter. summer too although not my favorite( i really do live on the wrong coast). the smells, the changes, even my kittys coat that thickens and sheds - all constantly changing. impossible to preserve. as a race, we are always trying to lock things, smells,experiences, etc down and preserve them - look at film,movies photography all forms of art - we want to make a lasting impression and have something to hold, as if this will give validity and purpose. its almost impossible to just exist and almost never enough by our society's standards. we must stand out, leave our mark, prove something.

i wonder if this is just a western culture trait? i look around my office and certainly see it. photos of my son in all ages, my husband and i all over the world, pieces of paper, buttons, stickers,memories -sometimes they do make me smile or recall how i felt or better yet, how the air smelled or the sea looked on that particular day.

we have gone on our trips, hikes, whatever from time to time without a camera. have we lost those experiences entirely because we return empty handed? or is the intangible still ours - a dream half remembered, wisps just out of reach of a day, a laugh, the curve of my husbands mouth?

this all makes me melancholy. it is supposed to rain today and i will sit in it and hold my breath listening to the beautiful music it makes.