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maybe it will help
Sunday, 15 October 2006 18:57to write about it. Relationships are complicated and this weekend i have been faced with letting go for the time being to 2 of them.
My friend sus, whom i do love, had a gig up the coast. i knew that neither simon or blake wanted to go and that i was not into it but wanted to support her and her musical endeavors. the last time i spent time with her was when we had tickets for a dodger game and treated her to dinner. this was also the first time that she had seen our new place. she was very judgemental about my neighborhood. i know i live in a barrio, in an old part of LA - east LA, to be specific, but i dig it and would hope that my friends would share my happiness about being about to buy a little place. she just told me people wont want to come see me and the guy that she was going to bring to the game just was not cool about bringing his car here. my response. WTF? she also recently got in to zen buddhism - that is so groovy. i happen to consider myself a student of Tibetan Buddhism. this is not a secret to anyone that i know well. Well, i got a lecture about idolatry and how her brand is better than my brand. whatever. driving back from the game, i missed the turn off taking us back to our house and she copped major attitude about her long drive and how stupid my mistake was. Well later that night she called and left a message stating that had i not missed the exit, she would have been involved in a nasty, possibly fatal freeway pileup.
so we havent spoken really since then to any great degree. when i got the invite to the gig, I really thought that i would go. but last night rolled around and i did not want to go. and i didnt. and i dont feel guilty. i probably wont hear from her for a bit, but i just am ready to let this one ride. she has had a damn tough year, and i know my life is golden at the moment, but i just have to let it go.
basically the same kind of stuff with my sis. boring story, cut to the chase - if i dont make the effort, i have no relationship with her. i told her abut 6 months ago that i cant do this any more and if she wants me in her life, she needs to let me know. her divorce was final about 2 months ago - i bought her a beautiful necklace and sent it to her with a heartfelt note about starting her new life with her kids and how this was only the start of a beautiful time for her.
not a word. nada. nothing.
then my mom called and asked me to call my sister so she could thank me. she cant afford a long distance call or a stamp it seems and wants me to make the effort so she can thank me. i have to do the tough love thing here. i told my sis how it was and she just ignored it. i am 46 years old and cannot chase an illusive relationship.
what i have to come to grips with is this feeling that, 'Ellen, you have a rich life at the moment - you have an amazing devoted husband, who is shining bright in a new career, a wonderful son pursuing his dreams, a lovely new home, a gig that pays really well(even if it is squirrely at times), so cant you be more generous?' No, i cant, not right now - i have a life history of trying to get people to pay attention to me and to like me. the more they ignore or disapprove of me, the worse i feel about myself and the harder i try to get their attention. how silly is that? the only way i can cut this behavior out is to cut it out! so maybe i lose a friend(or do i?). Maybe my sister and i float away from each other once and for all. i cant do anything more about either situation. I CAN take care of that which takes care of me - my home, my family, my interests, my work, my planet...and those folks that are near and dear and dont muck about with me.
phew. exhausted. made home made gumbo today. its been cooking all day and is just about ready. got to put the rice on now.
My friend sus, whom i do love, had a gig up the coast. i knew that neither simon or blake wanted to go and that i was not into it but wanted to support her and her musical endeavors. the last time i spent time with her was when we had tickets for a dodger game and treated her to dinner. this was also the first time that she had seen our new place. she was very judgemental about my neighborhood. i know i live in a barrio, in an old part of LA - east LA, to be specific, but i dig it and would hope that my friends would share my happiness about being about to buy a little place. she just told me people wont want to come see me and the guy that she was going to bring to the game just was not cool about bringing his car here. my response. WTF? she also recently got in to zen buddhism - that is so groovy. i happen to consider myself a student of Tibetan Buddhism. this is not a secret to anyone that i know well. Well, i got a lecture about idolatry and how her brand is better than my brand. whatever. driving back from the game, i missed the turn off taking us back to our house and she copped major attitude about her long drive and how stupid my mistake was. Well later that night she called and left a message stating that had i not missed the exit, she would have been involved in a nasty, possibly fatal freeway pileup.
so we havent spoken really since then to any great degree. when i got the invite to the gig, I really thought that i would go. but last night rolled around and i did not want to go. and i didnt. and i dont feel guilty. i probably wont hear from her for a bit, but i just am ready to let this one ride. she has had a damn tough year, and i know my life is golden at the moment, but i just have to let it go.
basically the same kind of stuff with my sis. boring story, cut to the chase - if i dont make the effort, i have no relationship with her. i told her abut 6 months ago that i cant do this any more and if she wants me in her life, she needs to let me know. her divorce was final about 2 months ago - i bought her a beautiful necklace and sent it to her with a heartfelt note about starting her new life with her kids and how this was only the start of a beautiful time for her.
not a word. nada. nothing.
then my mom called and asked me to call my sister so she could thank me. she cant afford a long distance call or a stamp it seems and wants me to make the effort so she can thank me. i have to do the tough love thing here. i told my sis how it was and she just ignored it. i am 46 years old and cannot chase an illusive relationship.
what i have to come to grips with is this feeling that, 'Ellen, you have a rich life at the moment - you have an amazing devoted husband, who is shining bright in a new career, a wonderful son pursuing his dreams, a lovely new home, a gig that pays really well(even if it is squirrely at times), so cant you be more generous?' No, i cant, not right now - i have a life history of trying to get people to pay attention to me and to like me. the more they ignore or disapprove of me, the worse i feel about myself and the harder i try to get their attention. how silly is that? the only way i can cut this behavior out is to cut it out! so maybe i lose a friend(or do i?). Maybe my sister and i float away from each other once and for all. i cant do anything more about either situation. I CAN take care of that which takes care of me - my home, my family, my interests, my work, my planet...and those folks that are near and dear and dont muck about with me.
phew. exhausted. made home made gumbo today. its been cooking all day and is just about ready. got to put the rice on now.
